How to Help Someone Who Hoards
Watching someone you love struggle with hoarding is hard. Here's what actually helps—and what makes things worse.
First, Try to Understand Where They're Coming From
Before you try to help, you need to understand what's going on in their head. Hoarding isn't about being lazy or not caring. It's a mental health condition. Throwing stuff away causes them real distress.
Here's what it feels like from their side:
- Every item might feel important or irreplaceable
- Getting rid of stuff feels like losing part of themselves
- They might not see the clutter the way you do
- They're probably ashamed but can't ask for help
- Past "clean up" attempts might have been traumatic for them
Do's and Don'ts
Do
- Come from a place of caring, not criticism
- Listen more than you talk
- Talk about safety, not how things look
- Understand they're attached to this stuff
- Offer help, but let them stay in control
- Notice the small wins
- Be patient—this takes a long time
- Suggest getting professional help
Don't
- Throw stuff away without asking
- Try to shame them into changing
- Give ultimatums
- Bring up TV hoarder shows
- Clean while they're not home
- Think it'll be fixed in a weekend
- Make this about how it affects you
- Give up when there's a setback
How to Bring It Up
Start With Care
Make it clear you're worried about them, not mad about the house. "I care about you and want to help."
Talk About How You Feel
Don't say "Your house is a disaster." Try "I worry about you when I see blocked doorways."
Stick to Safety
Focus on whether they're safe and healthy. Not how things look.
Don't Expect Quick Results
This is going to be many conversations over time. One talk won't change things.
Things You Could Say
- "You seem stressed lately. Anything I can help with?"
- "I care about you and want you to be safe. Can we talk?"
- "I found a company that helps with this kind of thing. Want me to tell you about them?"
- "I'm not judging. I just want to help if I can."
When to Call In Professionals
Sometimes family help isn't enough. You might need to bring in professionals when:
- It's dangerous: Fire hazards, blocked exits, structural problems
- There are legal problems: Eviction notices, code violations, custody issues
- Health is getting worse: They're getting sick from the conditions
- You've tried and failed: Past cleanup attempts didn't work
- It's severe: Serious hoarding usually needs professional help
Good cleanup companies work with therapists and family members. They understand hoarding and treat people with respect.
Take Care of Yourself Too
This stuff is exhausting. A few things to remember:
- You can't force someone to change. They have to want it.
- It's okay to set boundaries. You have to protect yourself.
- Support groups exist for families dealing with this.
- Feeling frustrated is normal. This is really hard.
- Consider talking to a therapist yourself.
What is Hoarding?
Learn what hoarding is and why it happens.
Signs of Hoarding
How to recognize if someone has a hoarding problem.
Need Help With a Loved One?
We work with families in Boise and the Treasure Valley. We can help with the cleanup while treating your loved one with respect. Give us a call.
(208) 361-1982